Perhaps my inner masochist is revealing itself, but I rather enjoyed the budget speech. What about the call for patriotism at the end? I actually cheered. What a smashing way to end the lashing. Yes, Minister! That’s what we’ve been missing all these years. With a mediocre soccer team and a losing streak in the Eurovision, patriotism has been sadly lacking. If hard times are what we need to bind us together then so be it. We can take the pain! I don’t mind cutbacks. Just tell me how this humble housewife can do her part to save the country.

What can I say? I was reared in the 80’s and it left a lasting impression. I never quite managed to develop a sense of entitlement. I bought the clothes, the shoes and the facials. I ate out a lot and paid other people to look after my children. But always with the uneasy feeling that someone would phone up and say “ There’s been a mistake and we’ve just discovered you’ve been using the guest towels. Here – use this old sack instead”.

Now that I’ve finally been caught out, it’s all quite a relief and I rather relish the prospect of a Blitz Spirit. So Minister, I’m in.

The problem is that there appears to be some confusion as to how the housewives of Ireland should act best for the sake of the country. The government needs unity on this issue, so Brian Lenihan needs to have a quick chat with the Greens, especially Trevor Sargeant. A couple of weeks ago Sargeant said that we belong to a useless generation. Actually he said, “We probably are the most useless generation ever to have strode the face of the earth”. This is “because of many people’s inability to do practical tasks such as mending a broken tyre.”

I blushed reading it because the bicycle bought in a rush of environmental consciousness and enthusiasm for physical fitness is out in the shed with a flat tyre. I could mend a puncture easily when I was ten, but I’m not sure how to go about it now. Could it really involve a basin of water and old spoons? I dropped into our local garage and hopefully asked the mechanics if they’d have a crack it but they looked at me as if I was bonkers. I’m not mad; I’ve simply become accustomed to outsourcing certain tasks.

Sargeant says I must change my ways and he urged us “to adopt a World War two-lifestyle and approach to consumption in the current climate”. On the one hand, that approach appeals to me. I took up the hems on my son’s schools trousers myself. I’ve got a kitchen garden going and hens are my next purchase. I don’t mind having a crack at painting the kitchen myself. Didn’t I paint my own bedroom several times when I was a teenager? The problem is that if I DIM (Do It Myself) I may be responsible for bringing the economy crashing down.

When I discussed the issue with UCD Economist Moore McDowell on The Last Word recently, he warned of the grave threat posed to the economy if we all followed Sargeant’s advice. Capitalism appears to have outlasted communism by about twenty years. This relative success is due to the theory of comparative advantage and specialisation, first proposed by Adam Smith in The Wealth of Nations. The theory and practice of Comparative Advantage is that people and countries should identify what they’re good at, what earns them most money and then stick to it. They should specialise in those products and buy from others what goods or services they decide to abandon. The idea is that everyone will make more money at the end of the proverbial day. When a country decides what product they’ll trade, they need to take into account issues like opportunity cost – the cost of choosing one thing over another.

If you’re a Senior Counsel with a kitchen that needs painting, you could take the day off work to do it. But you could have earned ten grand down at the Four Courts whereas you could pay a painter a couple of hundred euro to do the kitchen. Not only does it pay you to pay someone else to do the job, but you’re boosting the economy by spreading your money around. Now the painter can buy stuff and the money trickles down the line making us all richer.

The opportunity cost for women is particularly high. When I was sitting at home congratulating myself as I sewed – badly – the hem on my son’s trousers, I would literally have been better employed paying someone else to do that job, while I scribbled out a column.

The bottom line is that Trevor Sargeant is both perfectly right and fundamentally wrong. We are a useless generation. We outsource basic jobs so frequently that certain skills once common will become increasingly scarce.

However by doing so we are actually helping the economy. Consumption might be our spiritual downfall but also our economic salvation. This is why Lenihan needs to tell Sargeant to zip it and make sure that us citizens don’t get confused by his budget message. The government needs to make cutbacks, but it’s vital that households don’t. If the country is to have a chance, the outsourcing must go on. Cleaning, decorating, repairing and baking are all tasks that came naturally to the 1950’s housewife. But we were poor and miserable in the 1950’s. If we don’t want to be poor again, the bad housewife can be the country’s great hope.

This might seem counterintuitive and you’re probably still in a post-Budget anger phase visualising all the cutbacks you’ll make around the house this winter. Stop and look at it this way. The budget wasn’t so bad at all.

For the past ten years the government flung money indiscriminately at people who could do without it. SSIA interest, automatic under-6’s child benefit bonus, over-70’s medical cards and inequitable tax allowances for high earners were all handed over as populist election winners. The money was crudely distributed and is being more crudely recouped, but I can’t help feeling it’s a case of easy come; easy go. What Fianna Fail giveth, Fianna Fail taketh away.

The trick to our future is to get over the snatching back of what we never should have gotten in the first place. Some people are poor, but if you’re reading this paper, I’d bet that you’re not. However, if you start acting poor then we’re really done for. The Blitz Spirit is all very well, but ultimately streets were bombed into rubble. If we don’t want to see our economy reduced to rubble, then we need to keep spending. Useless citizens of Ireland unite. Your economy needs you.

The next day the Brother rang in distress. He’d just been to a corporate lunch. “What’s the story with the kissing? I hardly know these people and they’re all kissing. What am I supposed to do?”

We’re not of kissing stock. Not with each other and not with strangers. In fact, an aversion to unnecessary physical contact meant my granny was appalled by the introduction of the Sign of Peace at Mass. My father used to poke her in the side and make her shake hands while we giggled at her outrage. Honestly, mocking your poor granny at Mass. We’re definitely going to Hell. Once, when the Brother in America was heading off, we made our goodbyes by nodding significantly from across the room and I believe I raised a hand in a rather jerky attempt at a wave. My then fiancé looked on in horror. “What’s wrong with you people? You won’t see him for a year. You’re supposed to hug or something.”
“We’re not like that,” I snapped. He looked aghast and before he could start thinking about the terrible mistake he’d made by getting involved with my family, I changed the subject.

Of course I’ve moved on since then and have grown accustomed to the expectations of people with different approaches to meeting and greeting. The problem is there are no rules. Time was when only Arabs or Soviet leaders engaged in male to male cheek kissing but now even that certainty has gone. Playful back-slapping has given way to hugging and I’ve heard that in some circles, non-homosexual male kissing is quite the thing. Let the blame-storming begin: the Celtic Tiger and the telly. If it’s not the continental home-owning brigade then it’s an overdose of The Sopranos. Look, France and Italy have much to offer; the weather; the food; the wine. And while its great value to bring home the Rose at €4 a bottle, could we not leave the kissing there? The “a trois” is torture with the wrong people.

It’s creating social chaos. No one knows with whom or when and social context is no use at all. Some people are kissers and some are not. Others kiss some of the people some of the time. Our cosmopolitan lifestyles have curdled horribly with our agricultural backgrounds and the result is a thousand micro-cultures of etiquette and potential embarrassment. Who doesn’t dread the awful moment as your greeter’s lips zero in on your face and your hesitation, though split second, is long enough for them to realise they’ve badly miscalculated the nature of your relationship.

Maybe you offered one cheek and then rashly withdrew, only to realise the kisser is now smooching the space where your other cheek was just a second ago. You can dart back in but the whole process is shambolic. Have you shown yourself up as a hick? Did they presume too much? Oh God, please make it end.

I’ve tried to work out where my own boundaries are but there’s no logic. With some I’m a natural but I can’t figure out the distinguishing factor. It’s not a case of affection or lack thereof. I don’t kiss college friends of whom I am very fond, yet I frequently find myself grimacing as I kiss people I don’t really like at all. Maybe someone should put us out of our misery? My sister said a new friend in their group started kissing and everyone was too polite to object. Much to their relief, one of the gang returned from a year in Australia and put a stop to it. “Woah! Since when did we start kissing?”

The problem is it all happens so fast. You meet, one party goes for it, the other instinctively responds and then someone has second thoughts. There’s a screech of brakes as you realise its too much, too soon and too late to pull back. You finish the act but you both know its all been a horrible mistake.

Citing “When in Rome, do as the Romans” is no help since one never knows where one is. Dublin 4 isn’t the only place that’s a state of mind. I’ve discovered though, that geography is important.

During what we ironically refer to as “Summer”, I attempted a Sunday Lunch. I imagined one of those events where there would be sparkling repartee and admiration for my cooking. As usual expectation and reality were distant cousins. The risotto turned into rice pudding and inviting my urban metrosexual friends to Enfield created an unexpected moment of self-revelation. When one was making his departure I automatically put out my hand. He burst out laughing. “What are you doing shaking my hand?” I laughed too, astonished. When we meet in town it would never occur to me to shake hands. We always kiss, but now that we were on my home turf I had instinctively reverted to type. The woman was firmly back in the bog.

On the bright side (or is it?) the Brother in America seems to be making progress. When he leaves now we make a desperately pathetic effort at affection. We aim for a hug, though its turns more into patting the others back while keeping our arms so rigid that actual bodily contact is practically imperceptible. It’s excruciating, but hey, we’re trying.

Generally its better to avoid the whole business by engaging in a Western style Quick Draw. If you thrust your hand forward for shaking quickly and dramatically enough, it might put the kisser off completely. The pre-emptive rejection of their gesture might throw them, but it’s better than the embarrassment of banging cheek bones and getting all flustered.

The trick is in seizing the initiative. It’s a bit like the advice my friend the psychoanalyst gives when boarding a bus. Don’t automatically sit beside an empty seat because a smelly odd person might take it. Make sure you choose who to sit beside. If you’re not a kisser, don’t be discombobulated by a presumptuous lovee. Preserve your dignity and put out your hand because sometimes, the old ways are best.

Kenny replied that despite all appearances he was enjoying himself no end. Forming a credible opposition to the behemoth that is Fianna Fail was a similar experience. It was hard work, didn’t look pretty, but he thoroughly enjoyed the challenge.

In the past couple of months it looks like Kenny has stopped enjoying the fight. He seemed to take the loss of the general election alright. After all, Fine Gael had done their bit by winning 20 seats. These days he looks tired, worn and the constant criticisms of his media performances are hurting.

So what’s gone wrong and can it be put right? I’d start by asking another question. Where is Enda Kenny? I met him a couple of times when he was a Minister in the Fine Gael led coalition government. He was a hoot. He’s a naturally vivacious man; a great raconteur who can sing a ballad, sink a pint and speak Irish just as well if not better than the current Taoiseach whose talents in these fields are so widely advertised. He has that common touch and connection with people for which the most recent ex-Taoiseach was much admired. Despite the fact that Fine Gael were written off by the commentariat before the election, he did a great job in winning as many seats as he did. He’s clearly got a lot going for him, and yet he’s missing something else too.

The something that’s missing is his personality. It took a hit when he was elected leader of the party and it disappears the second a TV camera is put on him. He’s trying too hard to be a good leader and in the process forgetting to be himself. The result is that we can’t see his natural personality: the one that got him elected in Mayo and to the leadership of his party. His speeches and comments appear contrived. He’s trying so hard he occasionally takes on the look of someone pretending to be a leader instead of someone who is.

I suspect he’s been trained. I’ve worked in Public Relations and have witnessed the havoc that media training can wreak on an otherwise perfectly personable individual. They’ve had all their foibles and errors picked over to the extent they turn into quivering wrecks. The trainee, previously a high functioning politician or executive pays big money to be told that the charismatic qualities that enabled their rise to the top are now a liability that must be stamped out at all costs. It’s a disaster. Kenny bears all the hallmarks of the over-advised. He has no self-confidence and if he has no confidence in himself, then it’s hard for the casual viewer to have confidence in him either.

So what’s to be done? Well, the first thing is that anyone who talks about dumping him should seek urgent admission into a centre for political reality checks. There’s no one on the front bench remotely capable of doing the job any better. Richard Bruton is far too genteel, James O’Reilly too raw, Simon Coveney still has growing up to do and Brian Hayes needs ministerial experience.

Furthermore, Fine Gaelers have always made the huge mistake of getting rid of leaders the minute the polls take a dive. Fianna Fail leaders have to be practically taken away in handcuffs before anyone dares to utter a word against them. Party members refuse to break ranks and people admire that. Changing leaders every few years, as Fine Gael does, shows that they are unsure, disloyal and panicky. Who’d vote for a party like that?

Kenny must stay and sort himself out. The good news is that this is a simple enough job. First he needs to take a long holiday and get a good rest. He’s no use to anyone tired and right now, he looks worn out. Doing the Conor Pass a couple of times might give him a fresh perspective. When he gets back his handlers need to slow down his schedule and keep him perky.

Then he needs to start enjoying himself again and look on the bright side. After all, it could be worse. He could be Taoiseach. In the current economic and post-Lisbon mess, he can cheerfully tell himself, “Not my problem!” Kenny doesn’t have to take the flak and oh joy, Brian Cowen does.

It wasn’t always this easy. Bertie Ahern’s easy going nature was a disaster for the opposition who found it almost impossible to rattle him. Despite predictions that the arrogant and aggressive Brian Cowen would “wipe the floor” with Kenny in the Dail, this has not proved to be the case. Cowen is easily riled. That makes him vulnerable as the F*ckers incident has already demonstrated. Dail sketch writers like Miriam Lord have conceded that in recent weeks Kenny has gained the upper hand. Cowen talked the talk during Leaders Questions on the estimates during the week, but he looked pale and uncomfortable. The shell-shocked appearance of Brian Lenihan is little help.

Kenny’s anger at the hole in the national finances was genuine and deadly. The only pity for him is that the Dail is due to rise soon and he’ll be reliant on TV appearances again to keep him in the public eye.

This is his weak spot, but there is hope there too. I know he can forget the cameras and be himself because I saw him do it once.

During the general election campaign, RTE’s Brian Dowling did some informal one-on-one interviews with the party leaders.

Kenny was interviewed in a relaxed atmosphere: some hotel where he was sitting on a couch in his shirt sleeves. For 3 or 4 glorious minutes he forgot there was a camera in the same room. He chatted seriously but lightly to Dowling explaining his political priorities. It was unscripted, sincere, and the most genuine and believable performance of the whole campaign. Or rather, it wasn’t a performance at all. It was the Enda Kenny I had met many years ago and hadn’t seen since. The Kenny that is sharp, analytical and sincere in his desire for common sense governance and social justice.

Alas, it was a fleeting moment and most voters never got to see that side of him. His other television appearances were formal set-ups where he’d been primed and coached into a mannequin.

But at least we know that he is capable of letting go of the burden of his position in front of a camera. He just needs to do it more often. He might say the wrong thing the odd time, but trying to say the right thing isn’t working for him. People don’t believe it and so they can’t quite believe in him. If he can have confidence in his own instincts and his own heart, that could change. Let the real Enda Kenny stand up. If people don’t like him, fair enough. But at least let them reject the man he is and not the man he’s trying to be. At this stage he has nothing to lose, so why not?

Note: Now lads, BEFORE Crewser, B and everybody else take off I’d like to show you this, which Pete sent me last year and I love. Let’s keep some perspective!

Well done to the No campaigners, they were good. They had great posters and a consistent message. The Yes was continually on the defence and had to explain why the No’s were wrong. They never gave a positive vision of Europe.

Now, I can just see the Irish Times tomorrow, blaming Enda Kenny for the whole thing.

Let’s just get it straight.

Fianna Fail spent 6 weeks saying goodbye to Bertie Ahern and two weeks getting pissed to welcome in Brian Cowen. When the hangover passed they suddenly remembered there was a referendum going on and Declan Ganley was a household name. (Though I still exclude Dick Roche from this). Waking up on the last weekend before polling day wasn’t enough. Meanwhile Enda Kenny had worn himself out going up to and down the country to public meetings while Cowen was singing drunken ballads in Clara.

Enda, take pleasure in the fact that you are not Taoiseach. Rent a house in France or Italy and take six weeks off. I know this is bad for the country, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Relax and come back in September refreshed and ready to take on Cowen in the Dail. We’ve already seen how easily he loses it. So it’ll be great fun.

Pat Carey, FF Government Whip (no relation) and John McGuirk from Libertas were on too. I thoroughly enjoyed the debate. I went gung ho in favour of the treaty and with Pat Carey also pro-Treaty I thought John McGuirk did a great job fending us off. He was also funny when we started to get teary eyed over the prospect of President Obama.

On the way to the Buswell’s I listened to the Marian Finucane show on RTE and what fun they had! Dermot Ahern was passionate! and got stuck into Eamon Dunphy, who considered getting morally outraged, though Gemma Hussey put manners on him (“Oh come off it Eamon”). Well worth listening back to. Also worth listening to was that Petrol Resources fellow, David whathisname. He explained why oil prices spiked last week and what the future might hold. It was most interesting.

I am off to the US in the morning and sadly leaving the debate behind me.

I really hope this treaty is passed. Europe has done great things for us, but an EU of 27 needs to work better and faster. Dermot Ahern gave a great example on RTE about how the current procedures prevented EU forces from entering Chad for months after the decision had been taken to intervene. People complain that we are ceding sovereignty to Brussels. Bring it on I say. Whether its equality issues, competition ones, the environment or trade, the EU beats up our government to introduce progress and positive change.

Look at it like this:

In favour, FF, FG, Labour, The Greens, IBEC, ICTU, the IFA, and good old Suds.
Against: Sinn Fein, Joe Higgins ( I love you Joe but you’re wrong on this one), nutter far right conservatives.

C’mon!!!!! Do the right thing!

Recalling the Dobson interview…

” What a performance. He bared his soul to the people, and they showed him compassion and understanding in return. Worse fools us.

It’s ridiculous. And Bertie knows it.”

However, I thought I’d start a fresh thread with news that the highly knowledgeable if alarmingly tall Alan Dukes got back to me with regard to a query someone made about Joe Higgins’ point that Lisbon allowed for the mandatory privatisation of public services. Dukes says:

“Joe Higgins claims that the Lisbon Treaty provisions on services mean that Member States have to open up all service markets to competition from imports (from other Member States). He claims that this means that private operators can thereby get into service markets in health, education and other public services. He goes on then to say that this means that we would be forced to allow privatisation in these sectors.
He overlooked the fact that the Treaty provides that Member States can make exceptions in the case of public services. I understand that he agreed, on a Prime Time programme with Lucinda Creighton on Thursday, that the exception is there, but he did not understand its significance.
The actual position is that each Member State can make its own decisions about whether or not to open up public service sectors to competition from other Member States. There is no compulsion involved.
Here, for example, the Government has already allowed private sector participation in the provision of health services, in the form of private hospitals and now with the co-location of private hospitals on public hospital campuses. This has been an independent position of the Irish Government.
There is already a substantial element of private participation in the education sector (e.g. Griffith College, a multiplicity of grind schools at second level, etc.). Once again, the decision to allow these was a sovereign decision of the Irish Government and the Lisbon Treaty would not affect it one way or the other.
In general, Joe Higgins misinterprets the Treaty, either inadvertently or deliberately.
It is worth noting that the Referendum Commission has confirmed
(a) that the Irish veto on tax matters (or, more accurately, the requirement of unanimity in any decisions on tax matters) remains, and
(b) the Lisbon Treaty does not prejudice Irish neutrality.
These two declarations are significant in themselves and also because they confirm that elements on the “NO” side are either misreading or misrepresenting provisions of the Treaty.”

I see The Irish Times continues to push the FF line that a defeat of the Treaty will be Fine Gael’s fault. If the “loo-las” vote No to smite the government, is that really Enda Kenny’s fault, or the bully boy, ignorant, alienating tactics of the FF leadership?

Just today (on random programmes as I was out most of the day)

- Eamon O’Cuiv (says he never likes racing)
- Mary O’Rourke (she prefers Kilbeggan)
- Charlie McCreevy (well he prefers betting and it was only “a pain in the arse” having to call into the tent”
- Seamus Brennan (never went – this apparently is true).

Lo! Was that a cock crowing in the distance?

Apparently someone else said its like 1916 in reverse. No one was there.

I wonder who’ll deny the tent tomorrow?

Can someone who was going to Vote No abstain please?