04.22.08
21st Century children
I watched David Coleman’s show last night – the one that’s supposed to be like 7 Up. Last week we were introduced to 10 couples and this week their babies were born.
My cantankerous streak was bugged by the overwhelmingly PC efforts that were made to get “diversity” into the people chosen. The Nigerian couple (who were outstandingly nice), the Eastern European immigrants, the midlands family of 7, the single teenage Mother from Limerick, the disabled mother, the home birthers and the young couple living with his mother while waiting for their own house to be built. It was all so..agenda-less and non-judgmental. Pass the puke bag. And of course, its very worthiness makes me feel like a bad person for not liking the set-up.
But I suppose they had to do it. Though a conspicuous absence of rich, SUV-driving, nanny-enabled, property millionaires who display their affluence by producing 4 children instead of the standard 3. No members of the upper-middle class represented in a show which went out of its way to represent Irish babies. Odd.
ANYWAY, while I ooohed and aaahed and indulged my broodiness as the babies appeared, I also got depressed by the talk of parenting methods. Since I was reared before self-esteem was invented, but my soft heart indulged my babies by instinctively going with “attachment-parenting” I am torn now that the are running around and arguing with me. Every day provides 50 situations, conflicts and dramas when I am left looking at them wondering: do I tell them to piss off outside and leave me alone or do I have to ACKNOWLEDGE every bloody demand? It’s exhausting. I am destroyed by doubt and lack of confidence. When I am clear and determined I am brilliant, but when it comes to my children I am determined about 20% of the time. It’s not enough. I could blame myself, but its easier to blame all the bloody parenting experts! Unless one of them would come and live with me.
dc said,
April 23, 2008 at 7:02 am
I think one of the most conspicuous mistakes made by the parenting style today is *NOT* spelling out to children that they are not the only people on the planet with needs and desires.
I see so many kids who are allowed to be totally self-absorbed, its distressing. Because ultimately it leads to unhappy kids who have poor social skills and often lead to poor relationships.
And meanwhile their parents are going round the bend! Kids past the stage of babies need to be gradually shown that other people matter, and that there are limits to their demands!
Cathy said,
April 23, 2008 at 9:27 am
When do you become a parenting expert? And how? I would claim the title – 4 kids, no SUV. They have successfully survived childhood, some have navigated the murky waters of adolescence, and still I question what I do. When I question too much, I go back to the old reliables: Winnicott’s good enough mother. A perfect mother would be too heavy a burden, so I will tell them to piss off if I need to, in the knowledge that, ultimately, it will be good for them.
Sarah said,
April 23, 2008 at 11:32 am
good
Elizabeth said,
April 23, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I’m with dc on this one! I was astounded to read in the Irish Times on Saturday the following in Craig Doyle’s account of his trip to Lanzarote with his three children:
“I have always found Aer Lingus staff warm and accommodating – essential when you’re travelling with kids. Sadly, the same could not be said for a few of the other passengers on our flight.
Families are usually seated in the first 10 rows, so, if you don’t like kids on a flight, sit at the back. A couple in front of us had older kids, but it didn’t stop them putting their seats back the minute they sat down, squashing my little ones in the process.
My children are used to flying and are well behaved during flights, but our neighbour had no patience, and my sons’ impression of an aircraft landing tipped him over the edge. He started to get narky. I stepped in, had a word and, with luck, ruined his holiday.”
I think this typifies this modern attitude. I suspect that this is a highly edited account – I find it hard to believe that the man got “narky” over one incident but that, as Craig Doyle said, this “tipped him over the edge” after being continually disturbed on a four hour flight.
Everybody appreciates that it is difficult to travel with children, but why should a child’s right to express himself automatically take precedence over someone else’s right to a peaceful journey? And, if that man objects to being disturbed, why does the father feel entitled to speak to him in a manner which he hopes “ruined his holiday”? How are those children ever to learn the desirability of showing consideration for others?
Sarah said,
April 23, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Actually having travelled with small children and witnessed the misery of others with small children, my advice to anyone is don’t get on a plane until they are at least 3. Its just a form of cruelty.
Now when me and hubby are on planes (sans enfants) we make sure to help entertain other children or give comforting smiles to distressed parents.
But! glad to get encouragement here! So I don’t have to feel guilty when I tell them I am too busy to play? Dinners must be made and floors swept and phone calls taken and I am not a bad mother! Hurrah.
Enf said,
April 23, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I saw a lady bringing two kids from the Far East to Dublin alone and neither made a fuss. One was under three. The kids were not Irish and they just got on with travelling.
Its not the kids. Its the way they are dragged up.
Padraig O'Morain said,
April 23, 2008 at 10:59 pm
I read once about a South American tribe which threw its children out at the age of 3 and left them to fend for themselves. Seemed cruel at the time but now I’m not so sure.
Pete said,
April 24, 2008 at 9:49 am
I didn’t see the program, but maybe they couldn’t find any SUV-driving millionaires who were willing to participate in the program? It is a form of “reality TV” after all, hardly posh stuff.
> agenda-less and non-judgmental
Surely that’s a good thing? Presenting observed facts and letting the audience think for themselves may not be fashionable, but it sounds like pretty good journalism to me.
Sarah said,
April 24, 2008 at 10:58 am
Well here’s the thing: if the purpose of the series is to chart the progress and outcome of different children from different backgrounds in Ireland here is the one outcome I can absolutely guarantee for a positive fact: the better off child will have better health, better education and higher advancement than the poor child. They may or may not be happier but in every other respect money will dictate the outcome.
Raising children is political.
But I do concede, the reasons I was irritated by the show are otherwise irrational and probably connected to my PMT. Which intensifies as my body gets more and more pissed off that I passed up another opportunity to get pregnant. Which I would do if I was rich and could afford a live in nanny. So that’s my agenda!
Anna said,
April 24, 2008 at 11:30 am
Well it’s all relative Sarah. I’d like even one but can’t seem to find a man that’s not a messer. Can’t blame the government for that!
Or maybe I can. I hate pubs, could they not have given us a cafe culture to increase the chances of meeting a decent fella?
Sarah said,
April 24, 2008 at 1:28 pm
go with the Turkey Baster.
You’ll find the man without pressure then.
Sarah said,
April 24, 2008 at 1:29 pm
oh and if you are a new reader i’ve given this advice before:
- get a job in a male dominated industry
or
- take up water sports – not the deviant kind – but sailing and such things. Lots of nice men there.
Liam said,
April 24, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Hi Sarah,
What do you mean “Go with the turkey baster”?
dc said,
April 25, 2008 at 2:55 am
self insemination, Liam.
You do lead a sheltered life
Just a question Sarah: how many do you want? (children, that is)
Sarah said,
April 25, 2008 at 9:45 am
I have this gay friend who is really smart and good looking. Years ago another friend and I said to him, if we never find a husband can we have your sperm? He laughed and was flattered but I don’t recall him agreeing
Re how many: well, I think you need more when you are old so 4 would be great. But under current circumstances I think one more (ie 3) is the most I could do. Unless I win the Lotto and can hire staff. Then def 4.
Liam said,
April 25, 2008 at 10:55 am
DC – thanks a lot – yes, I do lead a sheltered life but it’s a bit clearer now after doing a google search and coming across Malpani’s Infertility clinic.
More useful trivia, I’m just trying to figure out a way I could bring it up in conversation to demonstrate how worldy and with it I am – thanks DC and Sarah!
Pete said,
April 25, 2008 at 11:17 am
>go with the Turkey Baster.
>You’ll find the man without pressure then.
Why not just adopt the “turn up naked, bring beer” approach to dating? Getting men to have sex with you is not complicated.
They may still be messers, but it’ll be more fun than a turkey baster. Probably.
Messer or not, I’d suggest making sure that he’s rich. Based on DNA tests, you would probably be able to sue him for child maintainence.
Be warned, the life of a single mother is not something to take on lightly. To practice, try keeping a few goats in your house for a month. (2 goats = one child, tying them up not allowed).
Zara said,
April 25, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Just go for it Sarah. Have number 3 and number 4 as well. You’ll be fine. In our parents’ day, four was an average-sized family and they weren’t rolling in it. To hell with waiting for the lotto win. And who needs a nanny to run off with the hubby!
Martha said,
April 27, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Sarah said: “I am clear and determined I am brilliant, but when it comes to my children I am determined about 20% of the time.”
That just about sums up our (Ireland’s, that is) cultural attitiude towards children. As if children only need 20% of their parents’ care and attention!
Andrew Lawlor said,
April 28, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Parenting experts – the devil’s spawn. Throw the lot of them of the nearest cliff. There are as many right ways to rear children as there are parents. For the vast majority of parents that I know the right way is the way they are doing it. It may be different to my right way, but it seems to work just fine.
Sarah, ask yourself which you want more. A fourth child or an extra holiday/SUV/dining out once a month etc. That is basically the equation you seem to be doing. Don’t get me wrong, if you think you would prefer to have a certain lifestyle instad of extra kids that is your choice. It is a choice, however, that people are often conndemned for – accused of putting themselves before the kids etc. Maybe you just want more time and money to lavish on the two or three children you have. The way my wife and I handled it was to just go ahead and have the kids and then give up all the little luixuries so we could pay for their upkeep. Either way is right or wrong depending on which parenting arsehole you listen to.
Sarah said,
April 28, 2008 at 4:01 pm
“A fourth child or an extra holiday/SUV/dining out once a month etc.”
It’s not the luxuries, its the energy. I am worn out and cranky. The only thing money brings that I am interested in is staff.
Zara said,
April 28, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Ah ha, I misunderstood. All the same, in terms of energy depletion, people who have three and four say they are no more difficult than one or two. But yes, staff would be nice. A cook and cleaner would be a godsend. Look after yourself, put your feet up once in a while and let it all go to pot.
Sarah said,
April 28, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I am persuaded, but he says he can’t manage. Oh well, I can always get sneaky about it