02.26.08

How Great Thou Art

Posted in Sunday Times Columns at 9:39 pm by Sarah

Is that not what the Angel said to herself as she descended to the kitchen. For it was but Seven and were not the Sons of the Angel sleeping soundly in their beds? And was not the kitchen sparkling and cleansed? Truly she was the Mother of All Mothers. For her day had started twelve hours earlier when the Father had been called to the city of Cork where the engineers were anxious for his report. Thus was she left desolate and alone except for the Sons who were much demanding of her efforts. Had they not pleaded for bickies and hot chocolate and rejected the ReadyBrek? There had been wrecking of possessions, defacations and messes. Though there was laundry to be processed they had screeched for the Fireman Sam DVD and chanted the chorus of MammyMammyMammy. Yet she remained patient and full of humour with only occasional shouting when the Sons concealed themselves under the Great Chair rather than co-operate with the dressing. But lo, they were dressed and proceeded to the playground. And though the tempest grew and the elements were unkind she warmed her very soul by pushing them, simultaneously, on adjacent swings. Then she took the greatest risk, never before attempted and took them to the Cafe. Where astoundingly they were blessed with Grace and behaved and the Mother allowed herself a moment of smugness. But the Lord truly punished her then and sent the Dark Waitress with the Crisp Garnish on the ham sandwich and then there was waling and gnashing of teeth as the Sons fought over the Crisp Garnish. But truly the Gentle Spirit did descend upon the Mother and though throwing a bitter remark at the Waitress of Stupidity, she did remember the words of the Arch Angel DavidColeman whose spake his words to the Prophet Montcrief on Mount Newstalk. “Taketh the Child who Tantrums Outside and Say Onto Him, Only When the Crying Has Stopped Can We Return to Paradise Cafe”. And then did she witness the Miracle of the Sound Advice, for the Son did cease his wailing and they returned to Cafe and though there was a minor flareup at the sight of the Crisp Garnish, they finished their sandwich and made a visitation upon Granny Betty. And then the Mother, freed from the presence of the Father who demanded Meat, maketh the Feast of Carbonara and the Sons ate such quantity that they could not eat the jelly. And now, they had washed and slept. And though the Devil tempted the Mother and said “Put the nappy on the younger Son” she said, Nay for the Child shall not have the nappy for he shall be trained. And though there may be Washing of Sheets, the righteous path is to turn thy back on the Nappy and Lift the Child.
And the Lord said onto the Mother, now after thy day’s labours, you shall be rewarded: and with great awe did she receive the greatest gift the Lord could bestow and he said onto her: Mother, thou shalt Control the Remote for the Night. And she was most Grateful for the Remote and gave thanks.

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