02.01.07
High Drama
Ok its 11.42 and I really should be writing my column but the urge to share is greater than the urge to work.
9am yesterday morning. Playing with child (as per instructions of public health nurse during developmental check-up – more of that later). SUDDENLY GRIPPED, no, ATTACKED by unbelievably sharp pain under my ribs. I double up on the floor and yell and yelp. I cannot BELIEVE this pain. I try to move to take pressure off my ribs but I simply cannot. This is SO sore. Child runs to get Daddy and say mammy has a pain and will there be an ambulance to go to hospital? The thrill of this prospect outweighs any concern for mammy.
Daddy arrives and tries to stifle laughter at my predicament. He attempts to lift me but more yelping. I am thinking, ok Sarah, relax, this is trapped wind. You read about this. But internal melodrama queen is going OHMYGOD this is SOOOOOOOOOO sore, OW OW OW OW, f*ck dial 999…my spleen exploded (or something like that). However, internal melodrama queen remains internal (well apart from whimpering) and I instruct M. to run for the milk of magnesia which thankfully, because I am so organised, (apart from occasional camera losing episodes) I keep in the house. He gets two dessert spoons of that into me, and presently I burp violently and the pain starts to subside.
In the meantime I notice my right arm has gone numb. No wonder men end up in hospital with indigestion instead of heart attacks.
After 10 minutes I am up and about though shook. And pretty soon we are sniggering about it. Mad though.
Oh, and the cause? Well, remember how some people MOCKED me for my wheat avoidance efforts? I was feeling peckish the night before and rooted out some Weetabix which I bought for the children hoping they’d eat them instead of jaffa cakes for breakfast. The almost full pack had remained in the press, rejected. (well, Weetabix or jaffa cakes, its hardly a fair fight is it?) So I ate one. First time in over a year I’d eaten any wheat based cereal. And look at the results. I rest my case.
Conor O'Neill said,
February 1, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Fruitopia pureed fruit on milk-soaked weetabix. Kinda like a melted jaffa cake. 19 month old Bubble-Fionn loves it for his brekkie.
Every single time my arm goes numb (RSI I think), I start worrying. If that coincides with heartburn, well then I write myself off as a goner.
tom said,
February 1, 2007 at 1:22 pm
have you considered just telling your kids that they can’t have jaffa cakes for breakfast?
Gerry said,
February 1, 2007 at 2:30 pm
to be fair Tom they are likely to be gored by the local hunt any day so they might as well enjoy the ride while they can.
Sarah said,
February 1, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Their will is stronger than mine
They want to eat Jaffa cakes more than I don’t want them too. Also, people keep telling me that they’ve read articles which say that jaffa cakes are by far the least evil of all biscuits and are nearly good for you.
Still I will try this suggestion of Conor’s.
The 3 year old does eat a boiled egg about 5 times a week. But only after his sugar requirements have been sated by the early morning sweet treat.
In one way you see I can understand this. I have low blood sugar in the morning and am DESPERATE. Can hardly walk and have the shakes. HE has to bring me tea and toast with jam in the bed in order to provide the energy for me to get out of said bed.
This vulnerability has been identified and seized upon by my scheming children. I have a secret admiration for their willfullness. Do I have to break their spirit yet?
ben said,
February 1, 2007 at 6:56 pm
“And look at the results. I rest my case”
Look at the results for the billions of people who eat wheat every day. Wheat was among the first handful of crops to be cultivated by humans and has been, as I said before, the staff of life for generations. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with wheat, but there may be something seriously wrong with you — that’s an extremely unusual, extremely serious reaction to have to a piece of Weetabix (if that’s what the true cause was — you don’t even know that for sure).
Self-diagnosis and self-treatment is not your best plan here. The one disorder I know of that’s characterised by intolerance of wheat is coeliac disease which is 100% pure No Fun Whatsoever and if you have that you really, really need to know about it. If it’s not the wheat, but something else, you need to know about it. If you’ve got something previously unknown to medical science, you need to know about it and it will be named after you.
Starting from the premise that wheat is some sort of pathogen and your reaction is what you’d expect when you have some cereal is COMPLETELY BATSHIT INSANE. Wheat is a healthful, harmless, staple food crop and if you experience a reaction like this to it, you need to know why.
Primal Sneeze said,
February 1, 2007 at 7:43 pm
I know where you are coming from, Sarah (and Conor), having had chest pains (and a parent who died of a heart-attack) only to be told I’d stretched a muscle on a rib.
And, Sarah, I love the way you let your kids BE kids.
Ben, well I’m just going to ignore you. With each ache and pain I might kill myself with worry.
ben said,
February 1, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Hang on, I think you’re getting the wrong end of the stick — I’m not advocating worry and I think something like a stetched muscle on a rib is a *far* more plausible for Sarah’s symptoms than some woo-woo Barefoot Doctor crap about wheat.
What I’m saying is that if this actually *was* caused by eating a Weetabix, that’s something seriously unusual and it should not be ignored. Someone who has this reaction to a few ounces of whole-grain wheat needs to know more about why.
Sarah said,
February 1, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Hey, ALL I am SAYING is wheat gives SOME people wind. And I appear to be one of those people. It’s not coeliac. Its just discomfort and bloating. I noticed a great improvement when I began to avoid it and I would say that because I am avoiding it whatever tolerance I had built up has disappeared and when I have some now, it has a more immediate reaction than when I was eating it all the time.
Either that or I am completely batshit insane. Who can tell?
ben said,
February 1, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Oh, is *that* all? Christ, I thought you were at death’s door for a minute there.
Darren Mac an PhrÃora said,
February 1, 2007 at 11:37 pm
“And pretty soon we are sniggering about it. Mad though.”
Indeed.
tom said,
February 2, 2007 at 11:13 am
“And, Sarah, I love the way you let your kids BE kids.”
By feeding them jaffa cakes for breakfast? Don’t take this the wrong way Sarah but it sounds like something you would see on Wife Swap. What do they have for dinner, custard creams?
Mol said,
February 2, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Sarah
The numbness in your arm would be a cause of concern for me. Please get this checked out.
Given your poor health and the fact that your husband is no spring chicken, should something desastrous happen, who would get the kids? I would rear them in their own house to avoid too much change. The fact that I am single might go against me though.
Moll
Justin said,
February 2, 2007 at 1:55 pm
‘The one disorder I know of that’s characterised by intolerance of wheat is coeliac disease’
having been reading up on food intolerance recently, I can inform you that Ben is talking bollocks here — there’s a good few ailments that can also cause various levels of wheat intolerance, characterised by wind, discomfort and bloating. And you’re hardly going to kill yourself by avoiding wheat, so go for it.
(– Justin, sufferer of a recently-acquired lactose intolerance, more’s the pity)
Darren Mac an PhrÃora said,
February 2, 2007 at 4:18 pm
“And pretty soon we are sniggering about it. Mad though.”
Indeed.”
I was being sarcastic for the record.
Conor O'Neill said,
February 2, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Is it just me or has the Irish comment-o-sphere been very grumpy for the past few weeks? SAD perhaps? I’m just seeing a general lack of light-heartedness in many of the comments around the place. Or maybe I’m the one with SAD and I’m being overly sensitive?
Darren Mac an PhrÃora said,
February 2, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Perhaps we were all- consciously and unconsciously- pissed off that FF and the PD’s would be getting into Govt. again. According to today’s poll- which I am not surprised by- the oppossition will get in, providing they keep the work up.
Sarah said,
February 2, 2007 at 8:08 pm
no, Tom got all JUDGMENTAL there, didn’t he?
I give them Mikados too. I am a BAD mother. But even without the mikados I would feel like a failure anyway, so I might as well be a failure AND have occasional peace by bribing them for silence with sweet treats.
Anyway, the 3 year old ate 2 helpings of shepherd’s pie tonight. He’s grand.
Conor O'Neill said,
February 2, 2007 at 8:29 pm
You’re a bad mother and a bad person and I’m going to tell the thought police faction on magicmum. Then you’ll be in reeeeeeeal trouble.
Darren Mac an PhrÃora said,
February 2, 2007 at 8:51 pm
“I am a BAD mother. But even without the mikados I would feel like a failure anyway, so I might as well be a failure AND have occasional peace by bribing them for silence with sweet treats.”
No you aren’t. Men and boys are unsatiable bastards.
irishflirtysomething said,
February 3, 2007 at 9:46 pm
The challenge with Jaffa cakes is that you purchase them on the basis that they are almost healthy e.g. 1gram of fat per biscuit. Unfortunately, 2 cups of tea, an episode of “Desperate Housewives” and a packet of Jaffa cakes later, you have just consumed a quarter of your daily fat allowance. Truly they are the trojan horse of fat consumption.