1 – Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2 – It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
e. When she is using her teeth

3 – Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed.

4 – Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within twelve hours.

5 – If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6 – Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7 – No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly
forbidden.

8 – On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9 – When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s
playing.

10 – You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11 – It is permissible for a man to drink a fruity alcoholic drink
ONLY when you’re sunning on a tropical beach…AND it’s delivered by a
topless waitress…AND it’s free.

12 – Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
13 – Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14 – Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed

15 – If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see
anything.

16 – Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17 – A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman, must
remain sober enough to fight.

18 – Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19 – If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20 – Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21 – Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22 – Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

23 – Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24 – The morning after you and a girl, who was formerly “just a
friend”, have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling
weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail her again, before
the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25 – It is acceptable for you to drive her car, but it is not
acceptable for her to drive yours.

26 – Thou shalt not buy any vehicle in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green, orange, yellow, or sky blue.

27 – Any female who replies to the question “What do you want for
Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!”, gets a
vibrator. End
of story.

28 – There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s
Gymnastics. Ever.

I’ll never forget the trouble I got into in early stages dating my now wife. We were passing a Chippy place. I asked her would she like a bag of chips. “No, no, not at all”, she said. There followed a slight bit of a-la Fr. Ted go-on-go-on, but no she didn’t want any. I asked if she minded if I had some chips. “No problem”, she said.

As I ate the chips ( I did offer to share mine) I was told I was selfish and it was typical of me being an only child.I eventually established that she HAD wanted chips and that somehow NO meant YES. I think I was supposed to be more assertive and just buy her them. I was a poor student then and it was against my logic to buy something that someone didn’t seem to want. Mmmmh. I’ve learned, but I’m still learning.

You will not ask or think “what do you mean by that?” Why on earth would you want a cheese sandwich? You know I’m making you lasagne for dinner. Don’t you want the lasagne? Do you hate my cooking? You KNOW I HATE cheese. Sob….

1. Thou shalt use the words “Yes” and “No”

When I ask “would you like a cheese sandwich” or whatever, I need a yes or a no. I’m not that interested in the details of your decision-making process, unless in actually leads to a clear and unambiguously-communicated decision that I can act upon.

2. Thou shalt use the words “Yes” and “No” in a consistent manner.

I don’t care what meanings, or even sounds, are assigned to yes and no, as long as they stay the same. Always.

3. Thou shalt use the words “Yes” and “No” in an accurate manner.

If you do want a cheese sandwich, you will say so. If you do not want one, you will say so. Saying that you don’t want one and then crying because I don’t make you one is not acceptable.

4. Thou shalt interpret the words “Yes” and “No” in a consistent and accurate manner.

When I use the words yes and no, you will interpret their meanings as defined in the Oxford English Dictionary, unless we have mutually agreed (in writing) to assign different, consistent, meanings to these words. You will not ask or think “what do you mean by that?”.

11. Thou shalt use and interpret the words “Yes” and “No” in a consistent and accurate manner.

For men:

11. Thou shalt not apologise for being male.