04.23.06
Whose fault is it that I hate my body?
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Any woman who announced that she liked her body and didn’t feel the need to change anything about it runs the risk of being denounced by other women as an arrogant cow. Alternatively, a plain and misshapen woman who insists that she likes her cuddly bits and regards her lack of symmetry as “interesting” would be regarded by other women as self-deluded and in need of a good talking-to.
You can’t win, really, unless we all stand in the town square and shout in chorus, “I hate myself”. Because that seems to be the only publicly acceptable position for the modern woman.
Shops are full of self-help books urging us to love ourselves. Alternative therapists, spiritual gurus and daytime television psychologists advise daily affirmations such as repeating something like “I love and appreciate myself exactly as I am” over and over again. I tried it once and promptly burst into tears. The voice of constant criticism in our head is the one to which we listen. When a new voice tries to get in there with a positive message we can’t cope.
Whitney Houston once warbled that “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all” (look where poor old Whitney is now), but these exhortations to self-love are completely futile for women. None of it works because we have been trained far too effectively to despise ourselves. Every time we look in the mirror the body we see bears absolutely no resemblance to the ones staring back at us from the telly or magazines. The hair isn’t sleek. The skin seems a little tired. The clothes don’t hang.
Of course, in most cases the women in the magazines don’t even recognise themselves. Cindy Crawford once admitted as much, remarking that her pictures were so extensively airbrushed she didn’t know herself. She may be truly beautiful, but the editors don’t think she’s beautiful enough. Kate Winslet was furious when the editors of GQ magazine altered a cover photograph of her in its January 2003 edition. Based on the Polaroid picture the photographer gave her after the shoot, she was able to confirm that the magazine reduced the size of her legs by about a third. So if Cindy and Kate don’t look like themselves, how are we supposed to look like them?
Some magazines choose a different means to achieve the same end. They’ll show photographs of the female celebrity looking bad. Sometimes they’ll put big arrows pointing to a flaw — a saggy belly caught unawares or a bad hair day. A little two-line caption will express outrage at the star’s audacity to look bad. It helps to fine-tune our judging skills. Actress with visible body hair? Eek! The result is pretty effective. If you don’t want to generate the same disgust you’ll get yourself to the beauticians in jig time.
The standard argument against the obsession with judging women in this way is that it encourages anorexia or bulimia. But anorexics, for all their misery, are still a very small proportion of the population. The rest of us are quite normal and haven’t a notion of sticking our fingers down our throat. The sinister aspect of glorifying thinness isn’t about the few who go too far, it’s about the creation of a generation of women for whom self-loathing is normal.
It suits a lot of people to have women wrapped up in this orgy of self-hatred. The cosmetic and dieting industries are only the start of it. You’re hardly going to spend a load of money if you actually like what you see in the mirror. Even those who seem on top of their game know that it’s vital to stay there. The advertising sucks everyone in. But at least the corporate enemy is a tangible one we can see and fight.
There are far more insidious aspects to the culture of self-loathing. If you hate yourself then negotiating a pay rise is going to be tricky. A little hint from your boss that you’re not so great will be extremely effective because you know perfectly well he’s right. If you hate yourself you won’t complain if you are fired when you get pregnant. You’ll be slow to apply for promotion and even slower to seek credit when a project goes well.
Maureen Dowd, the New York Times columnist, says that men write to her constantly asking her to read opinion pieces they’ve written. Women never write to her. Why would they? They don’t think their views are important. Strongly held perhaps, but who else would be interested in them? Is this one of the reasons why women don’t tend to get involved in politics? What spare time they might have gets sucked up in shopping and grooming. In whatever time remains, it wouldn’t occur to them that their ideas on the redistribution of wealth are worth sharing with the nation.
It’s a very clever trick, really. You can legally and technically create equal opportunities for women. But if you undermine it all by destroying their self- esteem, you can maintain their salaries below those of their male colleagues, keep them in the sex-trade, in abusive relationships and out of the top positions in government, academia and corporations. As Dowd says, women may not be vacuuming their carpets as much, but they’re paying for liposuction and vacuuming themselves instead.
There are three things we could do as individuals that might contribute to a collective will to change things. First, stop turning on each other and bitchily remarking on the unplucked eyebrow or the obvious belly. Second, start observing that voice in your head and how horribly you talk to yourself. Then ignore it. Finally, sit down and work out how much money and time you spend maintaining yourself. Then take some of that money and some of that time and spend it on something you might enjoy.
Learn to drive; go into therapy; do a night course and improve your career prospects; take a great holiday — the one you think you can’t afford. Take a closer look at your finances and think about investing your savings more cleverly.
If the mere notion of letting your roots show in favour of spending a few hours with a psychologist to figure out why you keep dating unsuitable men seems ludicrous, just think about that. If you believe there is a standard of grooming to be maintained at all costs, one of those costs being your personal development, then at least ask yourself, who set the standard? Then ask, who does it benefit that your resources are sucked up meeting it? Not you, anyway.
Update: for once, I didn’t like the headline today….
auds said,
April 23, 2006 at 8:04 pm
I think of several reasons why one wouldn’t send an opinion piece to Maureen Dowd.
None of them have to do with my self-esteem but rather hers – she spends most of her time wondering why educated men don’t want to date her and then bitching about the world in general.
I don’t quite get your point Sarah – we should groom our personalities/inner selves more and not shave the legs/pluck the eyebrows/groom in general? But I thought women were getting plastic surgery for themselves, buying Jimmy Choos for themselves a la Carrie Bradshaw?
Maybe I’ve very unusual friends, but apart from complimenting someone’s new hair colour or something, we don’t pass remarks on eyebrows or anything else. To do so is plain mean and not at all friendly.
I don’t think everyone has an internal negative soundtrack all the time – some self criticism is a healthy part of not staying static.
AS for money spending on grooming – many women enjoy putting their best face forward – it gives them confidence and many women simply like talking about make up and lowlights.
You make out that there is some make-yourself-look-better patriachral/matriachral anti-feminist conspiracy happening around us to secretly keep women down.
To believe that is almost delusional – and your answer is to go into therapy and stop using mascara?
Sarah said,
April 23, 2006 at 9:54 pm
I know Maureen has her flaws, but I thought that was a pretty interesting point. Perhaps we could ask the Irish Times to do a gender audit on letters as a more objective way of checking…Anyway, try picking up a few copies of magazines like Closer & Heat etc. They are unbelievably viscious! And who’s reading these? Impressionable young women…
“I don’t quite get your point Sarah – we should groom our personalities/inner selves more and not shave the legs/pluck the eyebrows/groom in general? ” Yeah! What on earth is the problem with that?? (altho I don’t say ” in general” – just a little more inner self and a little less outerself)
Personally I’ve never argued that women were getting plastic surgery for themselves. Others do but I’ve never bought into that. Plastic surgery is just a more extreme (and expensive, and risky) way of meeting the standard.
What I have noticed is that men are always pleading with their wives and girlfriends that they look fine, but the women don’t believe them. And c’mon….I’m struggling to think of any women I know who doesn’t get depressed because her grooming can’t keep up with the expected standard The only ones who can keep it up devote themselves and their money to it, and are incredibly proud of it. How can “success” in meeting the ever increasing standard be a positive thing? And this stuff costs a fortune!
I was at a small social evening last night and the women who were there audibly sighed with relief when they were complimented on how they looked or what they wore or loudly justified their outfits or hair style or whatever. They were anxious (and I had been anxious dressing but was satisfied with end result altho checked myself frequently throughout the evening – adjusting a top, checking the stocking for ladders, wondering if broken fastner was visible). I remember Germaine Greer describing a mother-of-the bride at a wedding who’s constantly checked her chin for stray hair! If it wasn’t a damaging process – there wouldn’t be so much anxiety associated with it.
With regard to therapy vs mascara – my point is this – if it’s a question of learning to drive or therapy or a night course and someone says that they would like to do it but they can’t because they don’t have the time or the money, all I am saying is, you do have the time and the money – you just choose to channel it in a certain direction. Why not divert it? and if you can’t contemplate diverting it, what the f*** is that about?
btw, the stuff about the negative internal voice..I did a Buddhist meditation course a few years ago. They did a whole section on that. In fact, it was only then I really became aware of my little voice. But the point is, they include it in their training because its so common. It’s a human thing, not just a gender thing.
Course I’ll never stop wearing mascara – but I have stopped wearing it every day and I don’t mind going into the village (not Dublin of course!!) now looking like crap. I like to think it’s another step in my personal growth….
Sarah said,
April 24, 2006 at 9:59 am
a text from Leon – “the only answer to the question (Whose fault is it that I hate my body?” is “your short-arse parents”. LOL
See, I knew that headline was wrong. Actually I don’t hate my body. In fact, with the exception of the poor tummy (which I don’t mind anymore – I see it more as a homage to my fertility – sort of) I think I’m grand. But I know plenty who DO hate themselves. It’s more the grooming competition that pisses me off…
Pete said,
April 24, 2006 at 1:43 pm
Reminds me of an ex-girlfriend who got her legs waxed about once a month, always complaining to me about the pain and saying “see what I have to go through for you?”. Of course, my answer was always “If you’re doing it for me, then stop. I don’t care if you have hairy legs”. But she didn’t stop, or stop blaming me. I think if women are going to learn to like their bodies, they first need to figure out what’s causing the negative feelings in the first place.
Sarah said,
April 24, 2006 at 2:07 pm
EXACTLY….it’s not male driven at all. Pure marketing phenomenon….
Daniel K. said,
April 24, 2006 at 3:41 pm
I wonder if it’s not some hangover from our more animalistic originals in that the females compete with each other in one way to find a mate while the males compete in another way. I’m not madly happy with my physical appearance but it is (a) mine, or (b) the result of my life choices and if I want to change I have to change those choices. And that is entirely in my power.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the last comment. It’s not our fault, women do this to themselves and each other. Men may take advantage of the whole thing to make some money or prey on the insecurities but we don’t create them in the first place.
This is one that women will have to sort out for themselves as grownup individuals.And ladies no your bum doesn’t like big in that, it looks like your bum and we like your bum just fine even more so since it is yours or else we won’t around.
graham said,
April 24, 2006 at 4:34 pm
I’m not sure how much I would agree with the reasons for anybody’s self-loathing that have been put forward here, but I think the competition element is definitely one of the main causes of it. It’s not the marketing men/women, not men in general. If you are so pissed off about the whole grooming competition thing, then why do you still take part
“I had been anxious dressing but was satisfied with end result altho checked myself frequently throughout the evening – adjusting a top, checking the stocking for ladders, wondering if broken fastner was visible”
As for the magazines, they’re not to blaim either, stop buying/reading them.
ben said,
April 24, 2006 at 4:59 pm
“Actually I don’t hate my body.”
You’re just borrowing trouble, then?
Sarah said,
April 24, 2006 at 8:05 pm
hmm. Well, to Graham, I don’t buy the magazines, I read them in the hairdressers (and no the irony not lost on me there). But I suppose I am just overwhelmed by two things both of which I have referred to earlier.
1. The anxiety I feel from other women about their own appearance. Perhaps I have a bit more confidence than them (top adjusting while out aside) but I really feel for them. I just seem to meet so many who are utterly depressed about how they look and they get caught up in different ways. Some realise they have no hope of competing and give up – even tho a little would go a long way. Others obsess about it and never read a newspaper cos their reading about Coleen McLoughlin’s new outfit.
2. The harshness of other women about the appearance of others. So f*cking judgemental. I just want to kick them.
I suppose the column is preaching (and it was a bit preachy – not one of my favourties) to those women and saying THERE IS MORE TO LIFE.
To Ben, you got it! (altho as I say the I am anxious about the grooming -because of course my “new” life makes it more difficult to maintain it) I’ve been writing the column for over a year and I think I am running short of my own neuroses upon which to dwell. If you’ve any of your own I’d be happy to adopt them and get another few columns out of them….;-) Share, share!
Beth Bond said,
April 25, 2006 at 12:18 am
Sarah,
I’m with you on this – There is so much more to life and yet everywhere we turn from billboards to TV to Mags – infact anywhere the eye can reach these days, there is an ad where no-one ever thought to put one in the last 60yrs (have you seen supermarket trolleys and petrol pump TV?) – telling us how ‘worth it’ we all are! We are riding the crest of capitalist consumerism where you can have a make-over in the morning and facelift after lunch. For the right price all those things you hate about your body can magically disappear if you hire the right expert or purchase the right product. Why can’t we just accept our lovable ‘imperfections’? I know I have!
In general I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about appearance – assuming cleanliness as a given of course. Makeup, I reserve exlusively for nights out (which as a mother of 2 are few and far between) and, up until retirement last year, never wore it to work. Perhaps I am blessed with good skin – but conversely perhaps this is because I haven’t spent half my life plastering an array of unknown chemicals all over my skin….
Truth be told, I am not that bothered by the gullibility of sentient adults who can choose to cut or cleanse one week or diet and detox the next, but there is a more insidious issue here that needs airing. My son is nine and already his peers at school are using fake tan in the winter months, dying their hair and moisturising daily. Do they loathe their bodies at this age? I wouldn’t think so, but they are effortlessly being sucked into a culture of needless self-improvement, so that when they do hit adolescence and begin to think about how others see their bodies the journey from moisturiser to make-up may not be such a big deal, and then later in life when the force of gravity begins to take its toll, well who knows what remedies will be sought. And if this is what 9 year old boys are up to, god only knows what is happening in the girls’ school! The fact remains that our physical insecurities are major cash cows at the moment and until the tills stop ringing this aint gonna change!
My father said to me when I became a mother that it is very important in the psychological development of a child to repeatedly tell him/her that they are beautiful so that they are constantly reassured about their physicality. Perhaps this is why standing tall at five foot one, a little tubby around the middle and well-wrinkled around the eyes from too much squinting in the sun – I don’t obsess about the way I look. There is so much more to all our lives.
Fond rgds
BB
Pete said,
April 25, 2006 at 10:05 am
There might be more to this than marketing. Every culture, even the most primitive, seems to be concerned about improving / modifying appearance, even where noone is making a profit from it. Think tatooing, tribal skin patterns, coloured mud on skin and face, hairstyles, lip-plates, tooth-filing, ear-rings, neck-rings, nose-bones etc. etc. Perhaps it’s just part of being human? Or perhaps it’s about group bonding and differentiation – we conform to our tribes standards, no matter how wierd, because we fear being rejected by the tribe. That’s what clothes fashion is all about, so why not body-image fashion as well?
Sarah said,
April 25, 2006 at 11:15 am
well, that is absolutely true, but to a certain extent. I think in more recent times its bordering on the obsessive.
Fiona said,
April 25, 2006 at 8:04 pm
I just read your article and honestly felt quite uplifted by it. This is a topic that is often written about but rarely is its’ far-reaching effects discussed. I hope it makes women access the damage that they are doing to themselves & how it inevitably permeates all aspects of one’s life.
I also found Beth Bond’s comments about her father’s advice to her (to tell her own children how beautiful they were) very interesting. I’ve been told recently that as children, until the age of 7, we accept everything we are told and challenge nothing. Therefore if we are subjected to criticism at an early age, we will naturally believe it is valid. What we are not taught in schools & during adolescence is HOW to challenge the negative image that we can can subsequently build up of ourselves. This is where the problem begins and snowballs.
As we grow, so does our appetite for any information that will reinforce that negative image. We don’t have to look far really. All those mags have tonnes of stuff that will help us reaffirm that we are indeed not good enough. Some may think that you took it a step too far when you referred to the ‘clever trick’ where equal opportunities for women are undermined by their self-esteem being destroyed & their self-loathing reinforced by the media etc. Personally, I’m glad that you tell it like it is. Women need to hear the truth! They need to be made more self-aware! Intelligent women are indeed wasting their lives worrying about where they are on the style/skinny barometer. The most frustrating thing is that women often reserve their ultimate respect for women who have achieved the slim and stylish look. It seems that without those attributes, all other achievements lag behind beauty.
I suppose without tools such as the positive affirmations (which you dismissed unfairly in my opinion) and awareness through education of how the subconscious works(& ultimately leads us through life), we are as individuals powerless to change.
I love your advice on how to change now. You are dead right about spending money on more fufilling things. The media undoubtedly plague women with images and words to stifle our perception of reality. Most of the girls I know suffer from a distorted image of themselves (including myself I hate to admit). I really do wish that some of these ’style(skinny) icons’ would speak out about the ridiculous nature of our pursuit of the ultimate body. Why do they wait until they are old and grey (&usually rounder) to speak out? Their voice is ignored by the younger generations then. They lack credibility. The ’skinny’ celebs that are interviewed or written about today are glorified in all aspects of their lives as if being thin means that any failure in their lives is phrased pleasantly as that ‘colourful period’ or ‘interesting times’ and glossed over as if adding to their charsima. I was outraged when i read the rubbish that was written about Kate Moss when she got caught taking drugs. Clearly she suffers from her own type of self-loathing as many beautiful people do. However, the reality of this is never discussed or explored. The fact is that the media do not want to shatter that image that thin people are happy.
I’ll end here as obviously my rant is neverending.
Thank you sincerely for your article – it was priceless!
Sarah said,
April 25, 2006 at 10:00 pm
thanks!
one little point on the affirmations. I actually have a lot of time for those and still practice them a little. I suppose what I was trying to do was emphasise the power of the internal negative voice – I really got a shock at how upset I was when I tried it first. Also, I try it for other people. If there is someone you know or even love but they are bugging you and you get into a negative way of thinking about them (they ALWAYS do this and they ALWAYS do that) I do a little metta bhavana on them (Buddhist loving kindness thing). It REALLY works…thoroughly recommend it..
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joanna said,
July 2, 2006 at 2:17 pm
Hey,
I’m totally with you on this…im just getting to the age (mid 20’s) where im starting to wonder why im bothering to try and look perfect all the time…I want to go out and not constantly re-assess my appearance in whatever reflective surface is avaliable. And yes, it’s all about marketing (which I currently study) , and it started post World War 2.
The beauty myth is big business. Revlon’s big boss (can’t remember the name) is quoted as saying “We don’t sell makeup, we sell hope in a jar” or something to that effect…Clinique had to use an 11 yr old girl in their ad campaigns for a new cellulite cream to be able to truthfully say that the image hadn’t been digitally altered. For f**ks sake, women get cellulite because they’re women, same deal with stretchmarks, we all need to get over this, but we can’t, because as soon as you go “Oh, I love my body, screw the beaty routine” you’ll have some woman going “You think you have the skin for that?” or some other bitchy comment, which will make her feel better about herself. And that’s why the magazines won’t stop either…there’s a huge market of bitchy women out there who are insecure and need to have other womens ‘flaws’ pointed out in order to feel a little better about themselves.
Personally I like seeing stars with cellulite, i hold the pics up to my immature male friends, all of whom read FHM and Ralph, and go “See…Paris Hilton has cellulite and she’s a f***ing stick insect, don’t you dare write off girls you see on the street for it” (which they do. As I said, immature.) Cheers for that, ranting made me feel better
Luxie said,
May 9, 2007 at 2:41 am
I found this article fascinating and accurate. It gave me a new insight into the games that are played to keep us under the thumb of whoever will benefit from making us feel like s***. I know its all mind games but its so hard to ignore them.
I dont wear make up and live fairly happily about 20lbs overweight. The reason for this though is not a supreme confidence in myself, its just that I realised years ago I was never going to look the way I wanted to so I gave up. Yes, it gives me a ‘kind’ of freedom but only insomuch as I stopped trying…I still have the feelings of not being attractive or slim enough. What is the point of constant plucking, painting and primping if you feel you still dont look good enough afterwards?
Sorry I am so late to this but I only just found the article. Very interesting.
Pippa said,
September 2, 2007 at 2:56 pm
I may only be 15 but even I know that what she is saying is RIGHT in my opinion. And most people are not being honest if they have never actually experienced this.
Ah well, i’m only young, i mean obviously i have no correct view
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